This is MY Life! True Story

I am constantly telling Kelvin "nissannurse" how funny he is. I believe this will even make him laugh.

Every morning My Darling Husband sends an email around to his co-workers as a "Thought for the Day" type thing and below is today's "thought." I hope it makes you laugh as much as I did. . . in fact, I had tears streaming down my face by the time I got to the end of it! Maybe Harvey and Kelvin could come up with a comedy act!!! LOL

I got nothing…. No thought…. I’m thoughtless… I’m without thought….Void of thought altogether and I’ll tell you a little story why it is that I have no thought….

I sometimes compare marriage to the Middle East. In order for two such diverse cultures to coexist peacefully, there must be give and take from both sides. I pride myself on always doing as much as I can to promote peace…. to understand the history and feelings and beliefs of others….to live and let live….to be open-minded.

And in order to fully appreciate this story you must understand the circumstances which brought me to today’s writing.

You see, the air density currently in Mississippi is typical in the summer, and this summer is no different… it is comparable to, and has the consistency of wet cotton…it’s just damned humid is what it is. This tends to stir my allergies like a witch on methamphetamines would stir her brew. Therefore, I’m currently taking enough antihistamines to choke Godzilla… which makes me verrrrrrrrry thirsty… which makes me drink a lot of liquids…. which makes me prone to late-night/early morning emptying of my 54 year-old bladder… which has survived my early years of party-hardy, live-like-there’s-no-tomorrow, moderation-is-for-nuns, life-style in the ‘60s and 70s.

Last night started off very normal. Early to bed, early to rise, makes this man…well, able to get to work. In the spirit of consideration to two women with which I share our humble abode, (and because self-preservation is a very strong instinct in most men), I’ve developed a way to relieve this old, worn-out bladder without turning on lights, and making verrrrry little noise.

Now, I’m sure that most females don’t know this (yeah right), but despite the aim and accuracy of Robin Hood, sometimes, just sometimes, and despite our very best effort… when emptying our “reservoir of fluids,” we men sometimes find a very small, really miniscule amount of our “stream” going astray….COMPLETELY BEYOND OUR CONTROL mind you. I know, I know, how in the heck, you ask, can this happen? Well, it just can… of course, I, myself NEVER have this problem, ok? But just to be on the safe side…and, just in case mind you…and in the interest of peace in the Middle East… instead of turning on a light, I simply sit down.

Ok, I said it. I take the sissy way out and sit down….can we get past that? Thank you.

Anyway, the routine is always the same…I don’t think about it, it’s just all subconscious movements…..finish, stand, reach back around to flush, pull up shorts, go back to bed. Well, last night things went a tad askew. As I reached back around to flush, my feet slipped on the acrylic tile, and my shoulder blade went crashing into the tank part of the toilet like a 747 crashing into the side of a mountain… Libby (our 4 year-old weimeraner) started barking like she’d been shot, and all hell broke loose…

Not only had I split the tank like a #+*^#^* cracked egg, I had managed somehow to begin the flushing process as well. So the half-full tank was spilling onto the floor, AND the toilet was trying to refill a tank that now lay split in half like the red sea… so “Old Faithful” was spewing more water into the air just as fast as Ridgeland’s water pressure could shove it skyward. I scrambled to turn on the light so I could find the shut off valve, slipping and sliding and crashing into any and everything in my way. My 4 year-old weimeraner, who barks at literally anything that moves or makes a sound, was barking at the top of her very powerful, IAMS-ONLY-fed *+#^*+@$&+* lungs like the Hounds of the Baskerville, and I was screaming at her to “shut the @$*+#@ UP!!! *$%+&*% LIBBY!!!!”

It was at this precise moment in time that my lovely wife, Sheila, turned over in bed and muttered, “need any help, hun?”

Deep in my heart, I know she meant well, but I swear, had I had access to one of those RPGs or IEDs or WMDs, my lovely Sheila would’ve been DOA and I’d be SOL and on my way to prison right about now, wondering how the hell would I survive the rest of my life without bending over to pick up the soap in one of those prison showers.

Instead, I said something along the lines of “SHEILA….IT’S *@#*&^* 9/11 IN HERE *%^$%^*& - %*…………….

“YES I *@#&^*@+* NEED SOME *+@*+*^$#* HELP!!!!!!”

After using every dry towel in the house, and after changing into dry clothes, and after finally lying back down…..my alarm went off.

So, no thought for the day today….. thankfully no prison police, no handcuffs, no finger-printing, and no mug-shotting either…but dad-gummit my shoulder hurts.

Since all this happened around 3:00 a.m., I'll probably be worthless today!
Have a great week and BLOG ON MARATHONERS!!!!